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Everything I’m going to suggest will sound contrary. These suggestions may sound like radical measures, but this is what I’ve seen breathe new life into a broken marriages for thousands of women in your distressing situation–and it’s what I did to revitalize my own broken marriage. He did it because something was missing in your marriage. If you can set aside his crime for the moment and stay focused on the worthy goal of saving your marriage, you’ll give yourself a huge advantage.Here are the specific actions I recommend to recover the good you had together in the beginning: I don’t want to diminish that what he did–moved out, cheated, found someone else–was an incredibly hurtful betrayal. You’ve known it too, but didn’t know what to do about it. He was vulnerable because there was so little oxygen in your marriage. If you’re having a visceral reaction to this idea right now, keep in mind that I’m in your corner, and this is not the end of the story.

But if you thank him–for continuing to pay the mortgage, for picking up the kids, for asking how you are–you’ll be focusing your attention on the things you want instead of the things you don’t want. I brought my husband to marriage counseling thinking the counselor would fix my husband and then I could finally be happy.

Of course, that’s not how it works, but no couple ever got happier by complaining about each other for an hour a week anyway. What if you just freaked him out by smiling when he sees you?

But there’s enormous power in inspecting your side of the street to see if there are messes you regret and want to clean up. Say, “I apologize for being disrespectful.” Watch your dignity return.

If your husband tries to make you happy in any way, big or small (and in my experience, he will), do your best to receive the gesture and reflect your pleasure at his efforts.

I can’t think of anything more painful and heartbreaking than having your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m in love with someone else.” Or–maybe even worse—to discover those things without him saying anything.

It’s only human to be angry at him for being such a thoughtless jerk.

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